Talking to your Kids about your Divorce
When we get married, none of us expect to end up divorced. But, according to Statistics Canada, divorce rates are fairly high; with about 38 per cent of all marriages which took place in 2004 having ended in divorce by 2035. Divorce is a lot more common than one would think.
Divorces can shock us and wreak emotional havoc whether you are the divorcer or the divorcee. Dealing with divorce can be difficult for us as adults, but when there are children involved, it can be even more complicated. Knowing how to discuss the topic openly with your children can allow them to deal with the situation better. Kids need to understand what is going on too and express their own emotions about the process. But, how do you talk to your kids about divorce?
PhD and relationship expert, Kevin D Arnold outlines his six tips for talking to kids about divorce to give you some guidelines to follow:
1) Give much thought to the setting and circumstances when you break the news. Do not underestimate how long your children will remember that moment.
The memory of being told will remain for years for your child, so try to tell them in an environment where they feel comfortable. Treat it similarly to when you are breaking up with a partner. There is a time and a place to minimize the possible trauma
2) Give much thought to the setting and circumstances when you break the news. Do not underestimate how long your children will remember that moment.
Sometimes, older children are told first as some parents believe they will understand better. This can create an unnecessary burden for them, while not benefitting the younger children. Instead, tell everyone together. Unity is important as often children will be each-others biggest allies in this process.
3) Don't assume how children will react, and let them feel all the feelings, even when those feelings are confusing to you.
According to Arnold: “Some children react positively, thankful that the hostility will end. Some children react sadly, wishing things could stay the same. Yet other children react with both positive and negative feelings, recognizing the relief while feeling, at the same time, loss of one of the parents.”
4) When you decide to end the marriage, end it swiftly. No one will win either way.
Do not stretch out the process and stick to your decision. This advice holds true in every life decision, small and large, including divorce Prolonging the process prevents children from moving forward.
5) Be supportive of painful reactions and answer difficult questions honestly.
Honesty is the best policy. As Arnold puts it: “Many of us try to avoid discomfort, especially if we see pain in our children. When we believe we've caused their pain, we can shrink from dealing with the hurt by trying "to make it better" with statements like "It'll be OK." But...nothing makes divorce better for children.” Be honest with them and show them that they can trust you and still depend on you during this potentially confusing time.
6) Take responsibility for the divorce and be unified in your message to the children
“Children need their parents to be mature when delivering such painful news” according to studies. “The research tells us that children prefer a message that avoids parents blaming each other-instead hoping both parents will take ownership of the marriage ending. Doing so can protect children from feeling a) that they caused the divorce or b) that they must align with one parent and reject the other” (Psychology Today). Again, be honest and open to encourage dialogue and trust throughout the process. While it may seem more difficult initially, the results will be better in the long run.
The deep pain associated with divorce can greatly affect everyone involved—ex-spouses and children alike. Follow these steps and use our mediation services to help ease some of the stress associated with the end of a marriage. At Cully, we’re here for you!
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