Stages of a Good Divorce
Divorce can be a difficult and painful process for everyone involved. There are steps you can take to ease the transition. From talking with friends, to engaging in self-care, to mediation services, many possibilities exist to make a divorce go as smoothly as possible.
Though not expected, a good divorce is therefore entirely possible. Writer Kristen Luce states “a good divorce is one that transforms you into a person who is greater, kinder, wiser, softer and more able to stand in your own unique integrity. It is one that becomes a catalyst for you to become more than you have ever known yourself to be.”
In order to make your divorce as good as possible, it is important to recognize and be mindful of the stages you might endure during the process:
1) Agonizing
This is the contemplation stage, where one or both partners recognize that the marriage is not working anymore, but struggle to accept that they need to make the painful decision to end it.
To make the best of this stage, it is important to acknowledge that you have done everything in your power to save the relationship. If not, see if there are steps you can take to do so. For example, engage in mediation to resolve conflicts, give each other me-time, etc.
If the marriage is till not working, it is time to move past this stage and into the next…
2) Committing to Leaving
“This stage is often precipitous, sudden and deadly clear. Something happens, and for whatever reason there is a definitive moment. We just know that it is over,” says Luce.
To make the best of this situation, look beyond judgement at your partner. Recognize that for a time in your life, they were important to you and now you are able to grow separately and for the better.
3) Confusion, Loss and Grief
As with all the great losses of our lives, a divorce is accompanied by mourning.
When describing her experience with this phase, Luce says:
“This period of grief is almost always longer than we expect but, again, it is also intermittent. We are fine for a long while, even free and ecstatic, and then it ambushes us all at once and we are lost at sea. I would give this stage at least 5 to 10 years, seriously. In the process you will meet and heal so much of yourself and likely come to see that your marriage was, in part, an outpost of hiding from that very thing.”
Try seeking out mediation services if the feelings of grief cause conflict when dealing with your partner. Despite the pain it causes, the reality is that many of us still have to interact with our ex-spouses. Luckily, here at CCM, we are here to make that a little easier for you.
4) Magic and a New Life
As Luce summarizes:
“On a practical level, having a good divorce is about taking yourself on. It’s holding your own hand and saying, “Yes, this is a new adventure, and I am going to do it well and honestly and as kindly as I can—and I am going to let it change me.” You will also meet new friends, new ideas and new experiences that will give you more love and support than you even knew was possible.”
When you take the necessary steps to ease the pain caused by the end of a marriage, you can see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and a world you can thrive in.
Check in with yourself and see which stage you are currently living. When we are mindful of our experience, we can be better equipped to tackle the challenges we face as we can show ourselves sympathy. If we recognize our own needs in the process, we can better thrive following a painful divorce.
As always, if you need some assistance dealing with the aftermath of divorce, consider mediation! Here at CCM it is our mission to help you have a good divorce.
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